


Hi Bored, I'm Dad

by revenblue



Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [90]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Caregivers And Littles, Dad Jokes, Established Relationship, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Non-Sexual Age Play, Post-Episode: The OWCA Files, Texting, mention of incest (not actually incest)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22329484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: Heinz Doofenshmirtz is bored.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus
Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [90]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/746841
Comments: 10
Kudos: 33





	Hi Bored, I'm Dad

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the peeps who gave me input on the kink side of things, you know who you are.
> 
> Scene breaks are more of a lull in conversation here. It seemed easier than timestamps. And, uh, apologies to anyone on a dark theme.

HEINZ: I can't believe Francis made me stay home while I'm sick! With nothing to do! You're out there, in danger, and he won't let me help! The nerve of it!

HEINZ: Wait, why am I orange?

HEINZ: You can't just change my text colour like that, it's rude!

PERRY: Do u hate it

PERRY: ?

* * *

HEINZ: I wouldn't say I *hate* it, as such...

PERRY: U like it

HEINZ: No!

HEINZ: I mean

HEINZ: Yes?

HEINZ: But no.

PERRY: I kno what ur thinkng & ur wrong

PERRY: It suits u

HEINZ: You think so?

PERRY: <3

* * *

HEINZ: <3

* * *

HEINZ: It's so *boring* without you, Perry the Platypus.

HEINZ: I'm *bored*.

PERRY: Hi bored im dad

* * *

HEINZ: Does this mean we can't kiss any more?

HEINZ: Because if it does, I'm going to be very

HEINZ: Sad, mostly.

PERRY: Why wld i stop? Ur cute

HEINZ: Well, because

HEINZ: Do platypuses not have incest?

PERRY: Shrug

HEINZ: It's weird to think about kissing your dad

HEINZ: I mean

HEINZ: Uh

HEINZ: Pretend I didn't say that.

PERRY: Whats wrong

HEINZ: Nothing!

HEINZ: I just

HEINZ: Nevermind, I'm not bored any more, let's stop talking.

PERRY: Squint

PERRY: I can hear u thinkng

PERRY: Stopit. When have i evr let u down?

HEINZ: Loads of times!

HEINZ: Ok fine, you're right. Promise you won't hate me for this?

PERRY: Promise

* * *

PERRY: Brb, work

* * *

HEINZ: Sometimes I wish you *were* my dad so I could, you know, have *someone's* expectations to live up to, then I remember how small and cute you are and it's like when I first saw Vanessa, but then I think about how nice it is to *kiss* you and I don't want to lose that. I've been trying not to think about it because it's not like you'd *want* to, right?

PERRY: Wld it make u happy?

HEINZ: I don't see how that has anything to do with it, Perry the Platypus.

PERRY: Y/n

PERRY: Answer me dammit

PERRY: Heinz.

PERRY: If u dont answer me ill come over there & punch u

HEINZ: You don't hate me?

PERRY: Ffs Heinz. We r NEMESES. Of course i hate u

PERRY: Thats why i hit u in the face w/ MY face, bc it makes u HAPPY & shuts u up for once. Its win-win

HEINZ: Way to make a guy feel appreciated. You hate my voice that much?

PERRY: No

PERRY: But u talk too much

PERRY: W/out SAYING anything

PERRY: Not my fault ur other noises are nicer

PERRY: Wld ur human incest thing make u happy? Y/n

HEINZ: Do you *have* to phrase it like that?

PERRY: U were the 1 who brought it up

HEINZ: I didn't mean like

HEINZ: Never mind. It doesn't matter.

PERRY: THIS is what i mean

PERRY: Ur doing everythign BUT answer the question

PERRY: Its like u dont want 2 b happy

PERRY: But u kept the orange

HEINZ: That's different!

PERRY: Is it?

PERRY: Its ur fav & we both kno u were nvr gonna make it happen urself

PERRY: Ur welcome

HEINZ: You don't have to be so *smug* about it, Perry the SMUGapus.

PERRY: And U dont have to deny urself happiness, D

PERRY: Go on, tell me thats not what ur doing

PERRY: I'll wait

* * *

PERRY: U cant can u

* * *

HEINZ: Fine, Perry the BOSSYpus, we'll do it your way.

PERRY: Glad 2 hear it

HEINZ: If I wanted to try it, and I'm not saying I *do*, just, hypothetically, if I wanted to, would you be okay with that?

PERRY: Only if it makes u happy

PERRY: Wld it?

HEINZ: I don't know, I haven't really thought it through.

HEINZ: I think

HEINZ: I think it's worth a try?

HEINZ: You'd tell me if there was a problem, right?

PERRY: Ofc

PERRY: Heinz?

PERRY: Talk 2 me, D

HEINZ: You're not weirded out by this?

PERRY: Ur my NEMESIS

PERRY: U think THIS is weirder than dating my nemesis? Its not fyi, stop worrying

PERRY: The signs were all there, now i kno what 2 look 4

PERRY: The diaper thing, rite?

HEINZ: It's that obvious?

PERRY: Shrug

PERRY: Its my job to notice u

HEINZ: *was

PERRY: *is

PERRY: Rmbr last week? W/ the seagull?

HEINZ: I thought we agreed to never speak of that again.

PERRY: <3

HEINZ: You're a jerk, you know that? Perry the JERKapus.

PERRY: U love me

PERRY: Ur blushing

HEINZ: Am not.

PERRY: So how r we doing ur human incest thing?

PERRY: If u dont want me 2 call it that, u have 2 give me another name

PERRY: Brb work

* * *

HEINZ: Caregiver?

HEINZ: Vanessa's preschool always used to send letters to "parents and caregivers" so I assume it's

HEINZ: You know

HEINZ: Similar?

HEINZ: I still don't know if I want to be the, uh, caregive-ee here

HEINZ: Or the caregiver

HEINZ: Or both?

HEINZ: Is that okay? I don't want to *presume*...

PERRY: U underestimate me, D

PERRY: Rmbr when we started dating? As nemeses? I couldnt be ur bf while i thwarted u

PERRY: Same deal

PERRY: Im USED to swapping hats. I can do that now if u want

PERRY: Or another colour

HEINZ: That's very nice of you, but

PERRY: Dont say it.

PERRY: I kno what ur thinking but no

PERRY: Get that typing notif off my screen or so help me i WILL hit u

PERRY: Good boy

PERRY: <3

HEINZ: I'm a good boy?

PERRY: The very best

HEINZ: Like no one ever was?

PERRY: Yes, D, like no 1 ever was

HEINZ: Are you rolling your eyes? I can hear it through the phone.

PERRY: Its U, when am i not?

PERRY: I can't go anywhere with u

HEINZ: Well *duh*, that's why I'm still *here*. At home. While you're

HEINZ: Shouldn't you be working?

PERRY: I can multitask

PERRY: Brb work

HEINZ: Of course you can.

HEINZ: When you're done, can you go back to teal? I want my *boyfriend* back.

* * *

PERRY: Love u 2

HEINZ: Do you have to be so smug about it?

PERRY: U love me

HEINZ: Well, *yes*, but

PERRY: Its about time

HEINZ: What?

PERRY: I thought ud nvr admit it, D

PERRY: <3

HEINZ: Just because I never say it

PERRY: Doesnt mean u dont feel it

PERRY: I kno

PERRY: Still nice 2 hear

HEINZ: Hey, you can't interrupt a guy while he's monologuing! That's rude!

PERRY: Sometimes u need interrupting

HEINZ: I wish I was there with you right now

HEINZ: So you could, you know, interrupt me *properly*.

HEINZ: By kissing me.

PERRY: Id rather b THERE w/ U

HEINZ: Aren't you working? I thought you *loved* fighting!

HEINZ: And how come you have so much free time to respond?

PERRY: Paperwork

PERRY: Groan

HEINZ: What?

HEINZ: But I thought

HEINZ: I don't know what I thought but it wasn't this.

PERRY: Ur the lucky 1. Enjoy ur sick day

PERRY: Since u GOT 1

HEINZ: I'm not *that* sick! Not even contagious any more!

PERRY: MM didnt want u in the office

PERRY: Said ur "a disaster waiting to happen" which

PERRY: Hes not wrong

PERRY: But i kinda like that about u

PERRY: Life w/ u is always exciting

PERRY: How abt i come ovr 2nite w/ a new fedora & u tell me if u want 2 try ur caregiver thing

PERRY: D?

PERRY: Heinz

PERRY: U there?

HEINZ: Oh, yeah, I

HEINZ: I'd like that.

HEINZ: <3

PERRY: <3

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a headcanon I've had for a while, that Heinz would be interested in exploring this sort of relationship, as a way to reframe his own relationship to parenting and being parented (since, uh, there's a lot to unpack there). Perry would go along with it, partly to see Heinz happy, and partly to run interference so Heinz stops treating his teenage daughter like she's three. It's kinda parallel to their romantic relationship, building off the same trust but expressed in a completely different way (like, to the point I was considering tagging this with the & relationship as well).
> 
> I've written with this in mind [before](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17941775), actually, but it was a lot more subtle that time.


End file.
